(Almost) All About Me - My all-purpose perosnal ad
I never cease to be amazed at the inane questions you have to answer when you want to post an online personal ad. Seems like you could just say what you want to say and be done right? Uh-uh.

These are a few of my "favorties". We start with the usual descriptive stuff...

Vital Statistics
Birthday: May 4th, 1960
Gender: Male
Swings: Heterosexual
Age: C'mon, do the math...
Height: 6'-0"
Weight: 175 lbs
Hair: Yes/Original equipment/Brown
Eyes: Yes...two...both green
Race/Ethnicity: Human/White
Vices: Smoke too much, don't drink, don't do drugs

Now that much is pretty normal... you can pretty much figure a prospective respondent will want to know if you're built like Santa Claus before they answer. But then you get into some really deep guano. For example, take this survey on a local Matchmaking site:

Essay Answers:

Describe the type of person you might be interested in meeting (either romantically or platonically). What traits do you find attractive?
As if! Why do you think I'm on this site to begin with???

A woman who can carry on an intelligent conversation, is equally at home at the symphony or a hockey game, is at least moderately attractive, doesn't have to ask me "are you sure?" 14 times when I answer a question, is capable of supporting herself, and laughs at my jokes (very important )...

What personal habits of others really irritate you?
Well this certainly ought to narrow the field... do you suppose anyone is going to admit to these defects if they plan to respond?

Co-dependents, Barbie dolls, players and those in search of a "sugar daddy" (or any other kind of daddy for that matter) need not apply. Baby-talk puts me in a blinding rage. So does bigotry of ANY kind (whatever euphemistic label you care to put on it, it's still bigotry). Jealousy, possessiveness, pouting (the real kind)... PLEASE... be a grown up, okay?

Describe your personality and physique. (Here is a good place to make up for not having a photo on-line or telling things photos can't tell).
What if I do have a picture? Do I get to skip this one?

Well it's safe to assume that my image will never grace the cover of GQ, but small children do not cower behind their mothers' skirts whimpering in fear at my approach either. I'm 6' even, about 170 pounds, reasonably fit (but not a health nazi). I've never had a manicure in my life, wear neckties only when absolutely necessary, squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom, wear my seatbelt and put the seat down. I have a sense of humor usually described as dry (sometimes described as esoteric by those who don't get it), love to laugh, and often find things funny that other people don't.

Which virtues give you most of your self confidence? If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Nothing! Nothing, do you hear?

Well, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I suppose my native intelligence gives me the most confidence. I can usually hold my own in conversation, even if that means confessing that I know nothing about the topic and simply listening and learning.

As for what I would change... well, that's my secret. For now anyway. Maybe when I know you better, huh?

Where have you met most of your current friends? Describe your social circle of friends.
Well... most of them I met in prison, but a few are from the rehab clinic... what did you think I was going to say???

I meet friends everywhere I go, so I couldn't say where MOST of them came from. But if I had to describe them in one word, the word would be "real".

What is your insight into spirituality, and how do you practice this belief?
I slaughter chickens for KFC under a full moon dumbass!

I read a great quote recently: "Religion itself is the smoke that burns the eyes of those truly seeking God." Don't get me wrong, I believe in God, but the religions of the world have gotten so caught up in the "my doctrine's better than yours" game, that it's hard to subscribe to any of them. A relationship with God is a personal one and I'm not willing to let someone else dictate the parameters of that relationship. By the same token, I wouldn't presume to dictate to anyone else.

Do you belong to any organizations, clubs, teams, or special interest groups?
Sure! I'm a card carrying member of the Lesbian Nazi Hookers Weight Loss Clinic.


Favorite pastime? Sport? Hobby? Diversion? Just what goes on Sundays at your place?
Why filling out surveys like this one of course, you moron!

My favorite pastime is usually whatever I happen to be doing at the moment. That might be watching a movie or a hockey game, fixing my car, riding my bike, reading, photographing something (or someone) interesting, or filling out a rather tedious online survey ;)

How would you characterize your political leanings? (i.e. Democrat, Republican, Reform, Libertarian, Independent, radically left/right, don't care).
I'm a member of the "Bombs Are People Too Party"

I am as apolitical as they come. At least until there's a Common Sense Party anyway.

"Under the Democrats man vicitmizes man. Under the Republicans it's just the opposite."

What language(s) do you speak, read or write?
I really did answer this one this way...

Well, besides English I'm fluent in COBOL, C, UNIX, and HTML, competent in Visual Basic, SQL, Pascal and a couple of different assembly languages, and have a passing familarity with Perl, Java, and a few others. (Well come on, what did you REALLY expect?)

If you could "Do Lunch" with anyone, who would it be?
Best answer I ever heard to this one: "I don't 'do' my lunch, I eat it"

Do I have to pick just ONE person? Okay, okay... then let's do lunch!

If you were to meet someone for the first time, what would be the "perfect" setting?
Well, Dr. Tung's 3-D House of Slave Chicks is always a good ice-breaker...

Hmm... maybe a bike trail at the lake, just before sunset...

What is "sexy"? What do you find "sexy" in a partner?
You don't get out much do you?

Just about everybody has something "sexy" about them, but what usually catches me first (physically anyway) are the eyes. Not any particular kind of eyes (shape, size, color, etc.) there's just something about some eyes that's arresting, and it's either there or it isn't. After that I'm a leg man... especially with those black stockings with the seam up the back...(shiver...)

What type of music do you enjoy? List performances or concerts you have attended.
I'm fond of Aboriginal war chants mainly...

Life without music is like a movie without a soundtrack. My musical tastes run from Mozart to Metallica with only a few things left out in between. I have a pretty low threshold of tolerance for rap, and I find the majority of country and western (and the derivatives thereof) underwhelming. I suppose, blistering guitar (Joe Satriani, Eric Johnson, Kenny Wayne Shpherd, Dave Edmunds...), smooth sax (David Sanborn, Warren Hill, Candy Dulfer, Nelson Rangell...), jazz piano (Vince Guiraldi rules!), and ... by the way, I think Anita Baker has THE sexiest voice in the world.

Last concert I remember was one of the NC Symphony's Pops series. I saw McCartney at Carter- Finley, which has to rank near the top of the list of all time favorites, but perhaps #1 was Pat Benatar at Walnut Creek from the front row. Also saw the Eagles (second row) at the Creek. Great show, but overpriced. I took 5 people to see Don Henley solo the summer before for just a little more than it cost for ONE ticket to the Eagles show and heard most of the same songs.

List some of your favorite lines from movies, poems, songs or commercials.
Ooh, yeah, right there baby... oh that's so good...


  • "Nobility is not a birthright. It is defined by one's actions." - Kevin Costner, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves
  • "Oh no! You did not shoot that green s*** at me!" - Will Smith, Independence Day
  • "Do you know how to use that thing?" "Yeah. The pointy end goes into the other man." - Anthony Perkins/Antonio Banderas, The Mask of Zorro
  • "My name is Inigo Montoya. You keel my father. Prepare to die." - Mandy Potinkin, The Princess Bride
  • "What if this is as good as it gets?" - Jack Nicholson, As Good As It Gets
  • "There are two types of people in the world. Those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't." - Bill Murray, What About Bob
  • "Now pay attention, this how to gripe." - Tom Hanks, Saving Private Ryan
  • "The Lord tells me he can get me out of this mess. But he's pretty sure you're fooked." - Can't recall his name, Braveheart
  • "That's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent ye ever set eyes on!" - Monty Python and the Holy Grail
  • "We've got a minute and forty until the end of the world." - Bill Pullman, Spaceballs


  • "You better get a bigger gun I'm not dead yet!" - Tommy Shaw (Styx), I'm Not Dead Yet
  • "You feelin' sorry for yourself don't affect my mental health no more." - Sass Jordan, Sun's Gonna Rise
  • "You bleed just to know you're alive." - GooGoo Dolls, Iris


  • "There once was a man from Nantucket..." - okay, okay, I'll stop.

    What are your all-time favorite movies and/or actors?
    Why, what have you heard?

    Evita was a winner (and about the only thing I ever saw/heard Madonna do that I liked). All of the Star Wars episodes (so far, yes even Episode I). The original Night of the Living Dead. Bicentennial Man with Robin Williams. Almost everything Tom Hanks has ever done, especially The Money Pit, Turner and Hooch, and Big . Both of the Crocodile Dundee installments City of Angels with Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan. Braveheart with Mel Gibson. Spaceballs (well, actually any Mel Brooks movie. Schindler's List with Liam Neeson....

    And anyone who can watch the scene in Titanic where the mother is putting her two kids to bed with dry eyes has no soul!

    Where do/did you attend high school and/or college? What are/were your favorite subjects in school?
    high school at Our Lady of Perpetual Harrassment, college at Catatonic State

    (Raleigh) Broughton HS class of 78, Wake Technical College class of '91. In high school I took "Everything I" (Auto Shop I, Electronics I, Drafting I, Drama I...) College I liked the programming classes best.

    Where were you born? What is your ethnic origin or ancestry? List some of the places you have lived or traveled.
    Well I was born on Remulak, and I've traveled extensively in the Alpha Centauri system, but I think my favorite vacation was to Nambia.

    I am one of the few Raleigh natives still living in Raleigh. I lived in Charlotte for about a year in my youth, and spent 3 years in the Army seeing the midwest (MO, IN, IL) and Texas instead of the world, but other than that I've lived here all my life (so far).

    As for ethnic origin, I'm a mutt. My family has been here since the colonial period, so there's no telling how many bloodlines got crossed over the years.

    What type of work do (did) you do? How long have you been (were you) in that line of work? Do (did) you enjoy it?
    Why, what have you heard? Of course I'm going to say I love my work. My boss might read this!

    I've been a programmer for the last 9 1/2 years and love it. Before that I was a mechanic (aircraft and diesel) and loved it. Before that I was a chef and hated it. (Too damn hot in a kitchen in the summertime.)

    If you could pick one super-human power (such as comic-book characters have) what would you choose?

    Telekenesis I suppose... never gave it much thought.

    Someone may want to say "hello", but not know how to get the ball rolling. Ask a question that someone can answer in their first letter to you.

    Hmm... this could be fun. Okay, pretend you are a car and your owner is advertising you in the classifieds. Which of the following would your ad most closely resemble?

  • (A) Classic '67 GTO Convertible. Immaculate. 389 Tri-Power, Rockcrusher 4spd, custom paint. Must see!
  • (B) '61 Caddy Coupe Deville. Needs paint/tires, but engine/drivetrain still 100%
  • (C) Fast and Flawless! '82 Ferrari 512 BB. Ferrari red, tan leather, 170mph+.
  • (D) '52 Chevy 1/2 ton pickup. Needs TLC.
  • (E) '60 Lincoln Continental. Minor body damage but runs strong.
  • (F) '87 Honda Accord, high mileage but runs fine. No rust, new tires, paint and interior ok.
  • (G) '62 Mercedes. Great project car.

    Don't see one you like? Feel free to write your own!

    What are some of your life-long goals? Where would you like to be in 2 years? In 5 years?

    Sorry, I don't make plans that far out. I'm a big believer in taking life a day at a time... and sometimes not even that much. Oh, okay... maybe I'll learn to dance someday...

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