There's one thing I've always hated about the holiday season. It isn't the crowds or the traffic or the insanity at the mall or the cost or even the annual what-do-I-get-my-brother-this-year dilemma. From start to finish in 2.4 seconds!

It's the wrapping.

I hate it.

And if you think about it, just how smart do you have to be to figure out that the gift you spent 20 minutes turning into a beautiful, tempting package is going to be denuded in about 2.4 seconds when the recipient gets it. How often have you heard someone say "Oh my! This wrapping is to beautiful to rip off the package. I'll just wonder what's inside!"

Give me a break, huh? I mean think about it. Why do you suppose Santa opts for stockings, huh? Because he's smarter than we are that's why!

And yet, year after year we go through the same ordeal. So as a public service I submit to you my...

Merry Christmas!
Lessons in Gift Wrapping
1. Scotch Magic Tape got its name for a good reason. It disappears every time you put it down. The amount of time required for it to reappear is directly proportional to the number of corners you are attempting to hold together while you look for it.
2. The scissors are in one of two places (1) under your butt, or (2) buried in the pile of scraps of wrapping paper you're saving to wrap something small.
3. Don't save scraps of wrapping paper to wrap something small. Nothing is that small.
4. The formula for calculating how much gift wrap is needed to wrap a given package follows the form:
Paper Needed = Paper Available - 1/2 inch.
5. Three words: "Paper or plastic?"
6. Ribbon of all kinds is the spawn of either a Communist plot or the devil. No one is quite sure which.
7. Stores that offer free gift-wrapping should be nominated for a Nobel Prize.
8. Stores that charge for gift wrapping should be burned to the ground.
9. The photographs you see in magazines of Christmas tress surrounded by beautifully wrapped packages are clever forgeries. Probably cooked up by the same people that can make a McDonalds hamburger look appetizing.
10. Gift Bags Rule!
Bah! Humbug!
Finally: If by some unfortunate circumstance you cannot avoid wrapping, then be absolutely certain to tag your gifts immediately. This will save you from the fate of accidentally giving the arrest-me-red lace teddy to your grandfather and the arrest-me-red plaid golf pants to your girlfriend.
Last Updated 12/08/2000 - Merry Christmas!